Managing the girls’ house I’ve come to find out how each of the girls say that they are sorry without ever saying the words. I’ve had gifts of old and a little bit random toys, cards that say they love me, flowers and affectionate hugs and kisses. However, the words rarely come out unless prompted. It has got me thinking, how many times are the words “I’m sorry” just too hard to say.
I’ve never been good at apologizing. There have been so many parts of that process that have always been difficult for me. But when it comes to the actual act of just coming out and saying, “I’m sorry,” I have always found that to be the most difficult. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s the whole part of admitting that I am, in fact, actually wrong. Or maybe it even is the knowledge that the relationship has come to an impasse of sorts and that there is no going back to the relationship that was before that moment. Whatever the reason it has been something that I have found difficult my whole life.
After a few incidents with the kids, I’ve seen how we develop thought patterns. We see our behavior as ugly and maybe just too much. We begin to feel like we must atone for it rather then just admit that we were wrong. What we fail to realize is that no matter how much atonement we do the relationship is never put right until we utter those two words. Sometimes, we just get in our own way too much realizing just how ugly our behavior can be and how selfish we really are. “I’m sorry” feels too shallow and not enough. We forget how just with an admonition we can make that elephant in the room disappear and we can set things right.
I’ve come to this realization all too often as of late. I still find it difficult to apologize for my poor attitudes when I’m tired and just don’t want to serve any more. I find it difficult to apologize for my selfishness when I can’t put myself aside and see what other people need more then what I want. I’m sorry has become hard to say on simple and great levels. How, just being the authoritative figure I am not always as right as I’d like to be.
My father once told me that discipleship was more about modeling how to set things right then being right all the time. As a staunch perfectionist, I understand and attempt to be right all the time. If I’m not right I like to try to give the impression that I was right even in part. I fit in well with shame based and saving face cultures. However, being here has shown me that this admonition is powerful because it’s counter-cultural. I’m learning to set aside my pride and humble myself to the kids, but it’s a regular battle.
(Image taken from pursuinghispurpose.wordpress.com)
Good write up!!
ReplyDelete