Five Years!

As I sit in the airport in Chiang Mai, I watch the sunset.  Another day has been lived here and for some this day was better than others.  Some learned how to live more fully, some learned how to love God better, some spent more time with a loved one and some laughed.  For some the day brought hardship and tears, some are happy to see the sun set on another day because they forgot how to live today, they forgot how to love one another and didn’t love themselves very much.  For me as I watch this sunset I am filled with utter gratitude.  I don’t know if I fully lived today but I can't imagine being so full.  I had the opportunity to spend the day with some incredibly special people.  I got to talk to people about some things that I’m passionate about.  I got to facilitate people's learning and self-discovery.  In Buddhist terminology, I must have done something right to have a day like I did today. 

This week, I was given the privilege to facilitate training for CHE, Community Health Education, for the Barefoot Doctor program.  The program teaches participants from all over Burma, from different tribes, to come get trained in healthcare to help their villages.  CHE is a community development program that focuses on a train the trainer model and really focuses on the learning process to facilitate the participants in self-discovery.  It’s really a great model.  I took my CHE course last year and never really thought I’d be facilitating and here I am at the end of the week, watching the sunset on the day and on the training.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude to be a small part of these 21 student’s lives.  To hear the students struggle with what it means to have community own its own problems AND solutions.  To hear them wrestle with how to find local resources to decrease dependency.  To hear them wrestle with how to do preventative measures when they go back to manage the expectations.  This as a trainer is overwhelming.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I got the opportunity to see them make this journey.  I also am humbled because most of the learning, they discovered on their own. 

In a way, this training and this opportunity to reflect has some poetic symmetry to it.  Five years ago, in my DTS I first heard about conditions in Burma.  I heard of tribes being stripped of every kind of dignity.  I remember crying.  I remember wanting to really go there, not just cross the border.  It always seemed next to impossible because things were so tightly controlled.  However, I prided myself that I at least knew more of what was happening then some.  Five years later, on my anniversary of joining YWAM, Burma has a face.  I realized I have no idea about Burma.  I had no idea how fun the people are.  I have no idea how living really is.  Some of the participants had to walk for a week to get to the training.  How many of us would walk a week to get anywhere?  It was so humbling.

As the sun sinks behind the surrounding mountains, I think about my journey to this point.  Earlier in the week someone asked me how I came to live in Thailand.  Today is my five year anniversary in YWAM.  It was five years ago that I first went to Australia, for six months.  Looking back on my journey, the things that lead me to stay, the things that lead to the next big thing, the groups and ministries that I worked with and why I do what I do, I can't help but be grateful to them.  I thought this morning about what this has really taught me.  YWAM has taught me how to live, really live.  I have seen amazing people rise up against obstacles that I can't even imagine.  I've had conversations with people who love more deeply then I know how.  I have seen places that I didn't even know existed when I lived in DC.  I've gotten to see the darkest side of humanity and the brightest.  

The reflection makes me tear up because it has been a tough journey, many high mountains, and many very low valleys.  I've had times where I counted down my commitment to ministries and prayed that God would give me a good excuse to leave.  I've had times where it felt like I had an elevator up to Mount Sinai to see the Lord.  Funny part is the times where I got that elevator usually coincided with the hard times.  I have had times when I love everything about my life and would change nothing and times when I’m not so content.  However, the thing that strikes me the most about my journey is I've seen some difficult things.  I've sat there while a child tells me they don’t think they will ever be able to be in love because they are HIV positive.  I've had to cry with a little one as they scream and yell at me because they are so broken they want to know if I'll still love them if they are as mean as they can be to me.  I've had to trust God to take care of little ones that I have loved and cared for as I felt I needed to move on.  But as I think of today and how great of a day it was, would I recognize it for what it was without those really tough times?  Would I know that this is really my niche if I hadn't spent so long doing other things?  Would I know that there is an elevator to the presence of the Lord if I didn't desperately need it? 

I had a conversation today about children’s homes in Thailand.  I am so grateful for my time there.  Do I believe there are different ways we might be able to care for kids?  Absolutely!  Those kids made me who I am today and they are my reason for doing what I do.  Yes I do it for the Lord, because He called me to it but they are the face to why I am doing what I do.  Those 12 kids touched a deep part of my heart and it is for them that I think toward a different future for others.  I think about what life might look like beyond the need of homes away from families and communities.  I think of healthy family units, strong parents that care for the little ones and aren't as vulnerable to the darker side of humanity. 

So I am overwhelmed at God’s goodness.  He led me away from my job in HR, from the office and all its comforts.  He led me to this organization that frustrates and excites me.  He brought me out of a place of comfort to a place of challenge, a place of deep pain and exposure to hard and heavy parts of life and gave me a highway to his presence.  A few months ago my cousin-in-law said I would get a “well done good and faithful servant.”  However, when I really look at it, I just want to keep the elevator.  So on the eve of five years, I sit here and think about all the up and all the down and am overwhelmed at how good life has been and how much I have been given the chance to live.  

Year End 2013

   

My Friend Rachel and I the day before her wedding!   I committed to wearing reindeer antlers everyday for the entire week!  

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  

I know that's a bit late but hope you had a wonderful holiday season never the less.  These last three months have been incredibly busy but in the best of ways (well, mostly).  I had some amazing visitors come and stay for a while.  I finished my internship at MMF.  I got to take part in a really good friend's wedding here in Thailand.  I was able to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year with some great friends.  I also got the opportunity to meet some new people as well.    

             

                                                                    The light festival in Chiang Mai

I have officially finished my course and now am the proud owner of credits from the University of the Nations.  I would love to say that I am supremely qualified and know everything that there is to know about being strategic but I don't think that is the way it works.  I will say that I've had some great experiences, particularly teaching, and I am continually growing in my ability and understanding.  It was sad to leave MMF and my team there.  They are a great organization but I felt that I needed to press on.  

  

One of my best friends, Jen, came to visit me for a WHOLE month.  This is us at one of the tea plantations in Chiang Rai.                      

I find myself writing from Bangkok as I have come down here to survey existing YWAM projects and programs.  God has made huge provisions for me and shown me great favor.  I have a place to stay while I'm down here with some influential people in Thailand.  It is nice to have a little community to plug into while I'm away from friends up in Chiang Rai.  I have great anticipation for the things I will learn while I'm here.  So what am I doing now?  

My cousin, Sarah came to visit me!  

Well, it turns out that I am starting a new project.  It wasn't something I thought I'd ever set out to do.  The vision is very similar to my internship.  However, rather than mobilizing local churches to have further community involvement, I am hoping to mobilize our existing YWAM projects to have further community involvement in a development context.  My hope is to do this via training and a practical application.  So this year will be spent surveying our existing YWAM Thailand ministries and seeking to understand their current community involvement and if they seek to further that.  It is my hope that this will help me understand where we are as an organization and how we can be doing more developmentally for Thailand.  

              

The girls at Rachel and Ema's wedding!  It was a very fun wedding.                                                       

Thank you so much for your continued partnership through so much transition and as I go through so many changes.  Thank you for praying for me even when you are unsure where I am at any given moment.  I think and pray for you all often and hope that your season was filled with hope for the things to come.  2013 was such a pivotal year for me in so many ways.  Thank you for all you did to make it possible.  

Jen, Ae and I at my annual Thanksgiving dinner

A note on support, I apologize, because this is late, but if you wish to make an final year end donations they need to be in by January 10 and be dated 2013.  Thank you to all you who responded to my last newsletter.  I have raised enough for my ticket home and most of my computer!  Thank you so much!  I couldn't do this without you!  

Much love,

Joanna 

Checks can be mailed to:

YWAM Montana

501 Blacktail Road

Lakeside, Montana 59922The check can be made out to YWAM Montana, please put my project number 3677 on the memo line. You can include my name on a separate piece of paper if you wish. 
PayPal:
For those not needing tax deduction I do have Paypal (linked to this email: joannageiger@gmail.com). 
If you would like a tax deduction but would like to use Paypal you can send it through accounting@ywammontana.org and still get a tax receipt.  Please choose the personal tab and send a gift and be sure to include my project number (3677) in the memo box so that they know who is to receive the donation.
Australia:
For those in Australia I have an Aussie account as well BSB: 923100 and my account number is 30933826.  

Reoccurring bank deductions:

Those wishing to set up reoccurring bank deductions can be done through YWAM Montana.  I can send you instructions if you would like to do so.  

Summer 2013

It’s amazing how fast time flies as I am now over halfway through my internship with MMF!  Thank you so much for all of you who responded and were so encouraging when I was struggling so much.  I’m so honored by your continual support of my thoughts and visions for this season.  Since being back, there has been such a range of emotions and experiences.

Me and a couple of my good friends celebrating my birthday in August.  

This internship has proved to be almost perfect for me.  I’ve really gotten the opportunity to get my hands dirty, sometimes very literally.  I guess when I think of doing an internship I think of mostly doing menial tasks and observing those who actually know what they are doing.  I was fully prepared for that to be the case here, but, I have been very pleasantly surprised at how much I’ve been able to take part in.  My team is very new to doing community development with this model and so we have all been able to learn together and roll out this very new program.  This project seeks to mobilize local churches to reach out to their local communities.  Thus helping self-sustainability and addressing a host of other issues because it works through a local body of people who are already present in their communities, rather than bringing outside resources in.  Therefore, we invite pastors and volunteers who already live in those communities and teach them principles and how practically to go into their communities.

I have gotten to experience so many different things in these last four months.  I have gone into villages where you eat what you grow or can catch and need to walk 15 minutes to find a cell phone signal.  I have gotten the chance to develop teaching materials and then go teach.  I’ve gotten to experience many of Thailand’s tribal communities, gain a deeper understanding of their cultures, and see their villages.  In this, I have left nights of teaching, encouraged and excited, absolutely loving what I do.  I have also sat in meetings feeling completely out of my depth and doubting myself and my abilities.  However, this is a good place to be, keeps me humble and dependent on those around me and God to get me through the hard spots.  It has been such a privilege to be here and to get to be part of transformation of entire communities.  I have loved seeing when our participants really start understanding new concepts and principles.  It has been something that gives me so much life and I just get so excited to see what will happen in the coming months and years!


Taking a break from harvesting tapioca in a Mong village 

I still have a remaining three months at MMF.  Afterward, I will go back to YWAM and hopefully being starting a new project within YWAM.  I won’t say too much about this because I’m still having conversations with my leaders and trying to dream about how and what we will do.  However, I will say that I’m very excited with the possibilities.

A little note on my finances:  My monthly support has dropped to about half of what I need month to month.  I need a minimum of 700 USD a month for my expenses. This covers my rent, bills, communication expenses and food.   I have received a couple of large donations recently that have really helped covered extra expenses and my lack.  I just wanted everyone to know where I was at.  I tend to shy away from this but several people have asked for an update recently.  Also if you would like to partner with either a monthly or one time donation the directions are below.


The Local Market Where I Live in Bandu

I also have a few large expenses coming up that I’m praying about.  I have to go to Australia to renew my visa for Thailand in November.  I need about 1500USD for this trip.  This is the most immediate expense.  In the New Year, I have two big ones coming up.  I need a ticket home in February because my beautiful, wonderful sister is getting married!  While I’m home, I will also need to buy a new computer.  I just wanted to mention these things in advance so if you would like to give or help with these projects in particular and would like to plan in advance, you may do so.

I can’t thank you enough for everything you do for me.  I appreciate every one of you, just your encouragement and support helps me in more ways than you know.  Thank you for who you are!  I couldn't do what I do without you.  May you be blessed in everything you do!

Much love,
Joanna          

Checks can be mailed to:

YWAM Montana

501 Blacktail Road

Lakeside, Montana 59922The check can be made out to YWAM Montana, please put my project number 3677 on the memo line. You can include my name on a separate piece of paper if you wish. 

PayPal:
For those not needing tax deduction I do have Paypal (linked to this email: joannageiger@gmail.com). 

If you would like a tax deduction but would like to use Paypal you can send it through accounting@ywammontana.org and still get a tax receipt.  Please choose the personal tab and send a gift and be sure to include my project number (3677) in the memo box so that they know who is to receive the donation.

Australia:
For those in Australia I have an Aussie account as well BSB: 923100 and my account number is 30933826. 

Things You Don't See in the USA

 I spent two days building a water tower.  The bamboo scaffolding that was literally breaking as they were walking around it with their flip flops as wet cement and rocks are falling from the top in a regular pitter patter bathing us all in cement. They fashioned a later with bamboo and basically thin wire that made me think of bread ties.   Meanwhile, it's 37 degrees C about 100 F and all the Thai staff are covered head to toe in long sweaters and sweatshirts.  While I have a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt and everyone is asking me why I'm not afraid of the sun. Oh Thailand...

The Choice

*warning this post is very very long and I ramble on but it's a very honest look at my shortcomings*

It is a great day in the land of Smiles.  I arrived yesterday and am having a day to just reflect.  I've been reflecting on Thailand and what this place held for me in the past, on the US and this past trip home, on Turkey and the things that I learned there.  Mostly, I'm reflecting on my journey with God.  I thought about where I was and what I believed when I left for my DTS.  How, for all intents and purposes, I was still a baby in my faith, very much swayed by the people around me.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I've graduated from this stage.  I'm still very much swayed by my community and feel it very acutely when I don’t have a strong community around me.  Maybe one day, I too, will grow up in this area.  I still remember talking to the Lord and saying, “God, if you don’t show up on DTS, I'm done trying to find you.  I’m walking away from any form of faith and I am never coming back.”  While thinking about that this morning, I think it was really an immature prayer to pray but I think God honored it.  While He hasn't honored all the stupid things I've prayed, He, surprisingly, honored a lot of them! 

I was thinking this morning, about all those things that God has taught me since that prayer.  Mostly, I was thinking about how quickly I forget most of them.  I had one of the most emotional trips home this past month.  It almost felt like going back to that process before DTS.   It was as if I had forgotten absolutely EVERYTHING from the last four years.   I had forgotten his faithfulness, his patience and compassion toward me.  More than those, I forgot how kind and loving He is. 

I commonly feel like I have to defend what I do here when I go home.  Not because people don't believe in me, but they are concerned that I'm not being cared for and they can't care for me when I’m so far away.  Let’s be honest, it’s one of the hardest things to give people into God’s hands and trust Him to care for those we love the most.  We all have a God complex to some degree, where we think we know best what is best for our children, parents, best friends, family members, churches and neighbors. 

Every day at home felt like a battle to some degree or another.  I always find my expression of faith to be the hardest in the US.  I find just having a quiet time one of the biggest challenges. I often forgo it in the name of spending as much time with those around me as possible. But the thing about forgoing that time with God is that it becomes difficult to hear him.  Usually, if I can keep on top of my running, He usually can break in there.  Unfortunately, this trip, the running went out the window. 

This trip was so interesting in so many levels.  I have found sharing my faith has always been really hard for me.  I realize the irony of this considering my current profession.  I think a lot of it stems from before I was saved.  I knew all the right answers, the general tenets of the Gospel, but when people shared it with me it made me cringe.  I felt like they had no idea where I was coming from and they were throwing this at me and expecting something to stick.  It really made me angry.  I think I really struggle to share because I always think of that time in my life.  I never want to proverbially throw the Gospel at someone.  I also don't want to be so shy from sharing that people who are hungry and dying don't get a chance to hear about the one thing that makes the difference. 

I came home to go to my former roommate’s wedding.  She had this dinner scheduled for all of her bride’s maids.  We went early to grab a drink and just chitter chatter.  She recently became Jewish, because her fiancé is Jewish.  We started talking about my faith.  She started asking me about who Jesus really is and why does He make such a difference.  This is something I've never gotten to share with her before.  It was amazing.   As I was sharing, I realized, here I am, in a bar, a little tipsy (opps) sharing about Jesus, the thing that has made the biggest difference in my life.  It was incredible.  I got to do that with two of my friends.   I also realized that it isn't through my sharing that people see who Jesus is.  As I was talking, I was thinking, does this even make sense?  If they get anything through this it HAS to be because Jesus speaks to them because this doesn't make any sense to me. 

I also got the opportunity to go into work for a few days before the wedding.  My friends own an IT firm and they had a hiring crunch, and seeing that I used to be in HR and used to contract to them as a Recruiter back before I joined YWAM, they asked if I could come in and help them fill out the hires for a contract.  My first day there, I remembered what I loved about being in the office.  I know exactly who I am, what I'm capable of, and quite frankly I know that I am good at what I do.  I rose up to that person I used to be around the office, the rock star.  My second day I started to think about that.  How crazy it was to go back, to a job, where I have no idea what I’m doing, if I’ll be good at what I’m trying to accomplish, where I have no guaranty of success.  

  

I came to the realization of why so many of our field work force don't come back when they go home to work for a short while.  It is so hard to turn your back on that kind of comfort. That assurance of success, success people understand. Not that I'm something special, but I suddenly understood where I didn’t before, how incredibly difficult it is.  I really had to step back and think, what did God say, what did He promise.  I knew that if I decided to leave YWAM and move back home that God would be with me and would honor me because of who He is but I just realized how hard it is to turn your back on a life where success is somewhat insured.  Where there isn’t the fight that plagues you every day in some way.  To just be comfortable.  Even if comfort was at the cost of an extraordinary relationship with God. Even if comfort isn't what you ultimately want but at least it looks good.  

That following week I went to be with my family.  My brother and Sister-in-law are getting ready to go overseas with a different organization that requires them to have all of their finances before they leave.  I watched their process and it highlighted their situations and my own.  I suddenly got so weary of feeling like I was fighting every month to get just the amount I needed to pay my bills and eat, let alone those times that I need flights and new equipment like a computer.  I had a choice at this point.  I could look at God and have that conversation with Him or I could wallow.  I hate to say it, I wallowed and wallowed big!  If you’re going to complain about your situation go big or go home!  I honestly, wish I would have gone home…but I didn’t

I couldn't see past my own nose to see that God has taken care of not only of my every need, but of everything I've wanted.  He has shown me more of the world, has given me toys, has provided for my every need, every plane ticket, every trip.  For heaven’s sake, last year, He gave me time and an opportunity to just spend time on a huge boat in the Bahamas.  I would have never even conceived how I could possibly do that based on what was in my bank account.  On this side of the debate I have seen God in a way that I can’t explain and have been able to live in ways that don't always make sense to me or the people that support me.  I can sit on this side and complain about how I don't have this or that, on how I sometimes struggle to see where money is going to come in for certain things I need, but the fact is it’s been over four years, not all of them in a place as cheap as Thailand, and I have had every need and practically every want met.  God forgive my short sightedness! 

This support thing hasn't happened in maybe the most traditional means.  I don't have a large church behind me.  The small church that sent me out decided to shut its doors and while I feel their absence terribly.  The fact is, it isn't the responsibility of the church to take care of me.  It is God’s.  He is the one that called me into this journey and He is the one that will be responsible to care for me.  While I would love to have a church who is behind me, not just financially but emotionally, someone who is fighting with me, my proverbial cheerleaders, God has always cared for me.  He has brought people around me that I NEVER expected to give and always brought comfort when I needed it.  It’s so clear on this side of the fence but back in the US I couldn't find my way to that truth if my life depended on it. 

As soon as I got on the plane to come back, I felt such overwhelming peace.  Suddenly, these struggles and my response to them became quite clear.  I had chosen to forget God in that place.  I had chosen to forget to practice my rest and peace in the face of the giants that were before me.  I had forgotten who God was and who he was calling me to be.  Thinking about it now, my response is what do I do with this?  How do I try to have a different response next time? How do I practice rest and peace next time? 

I think this just highlights more of my broken humanity.  I have absolutely no goodness apart from God.  I have absolutely no faithfulness and even less courage.  Everything that I've been and will be able to do has to come from God because if it’s tainted with me, Joanna, I will fail.  On my own, I cannot point back to the Father, I can only point to me.  If I forget to abide in the vine, I am ugly as sin.

 As I've thought through this, I've realized that while comfort and success sounds good, sounds like something I should strive for, is it really what I want?  Yes, sometimes I get weary of the struggle, to get the finances, to feel significant, to live every day, the thing is, I live.  It’s not an easy, blow with the wind kind of existence that many think it is.  That I make decisions as the winds blow and that one day I just wake up and decide to go to a different country.  Living like this is hard.  There is choice every day to press in, to engage, to fight, to learn, to get better and to love.  Many days I fail miserably to do any one of those things but this is where God teaches me and shows me how to live better.   And that is the place I choose to stay, right now it’s Thailand.     

I was randomly reading in Romans, looking for a verse about the law, that I actually think is in Hebrews, when I noticed Romans 6: 1-4, speaking of our baptism.  I like to consider the mystery of the Holy Sacraments.  I, obviously, want to concentrate simply on baptism.  What really happens during our baptism?  We all get the drill in the physical but there is a mystery behind the tradition that no one really can put their finger on.  Most of us, particularly in the West, will attest that we have partaken and remained both physically and emotionally rather unchanged.  However, in faith we believe something changes.  That is, God does something, the heavens move on our behalf and it therefore matters... deeply.  However, the how and the why remains a mystery.

I loved my baptism.  It typified me and my spirituality perfectly.  It was unconventional and a bit messy.  What was spoken was nothing different and maybe even fairly traditional.  The difference?  The dirt.

Let me explain, but first a little background:
My family believed in baby dedication verses baby baptism, believing that baptism should be a choice and left until the child was old enough to understand that choice.  The choice being to truly follow Jesus.  Theology left to the side, we roughly believed you needed to at least be a teenager to fully comprehend the implications of baptism.

By the time I was in my early teens I had no desire to follow God.  However, I wasn't ready to be that bold with my family.  I would later, but that is a different story.  At the time, my brother closest in age was getting baptized and my parents asked me if I, too, wanted to get baptized.  My father, the preacher, was to do something in the coming weeks.  I promptly said no and had an argument with my mother who took it personally, thinking I was rejecting them, rather then my faith.  I knew, however, that it would be a lie and one that would have profound spiritual implications that I didn't, nor had the desire, to understand.

Years passed and I continued to live my life, very much like a pendulum, swinging between wanting faith and rejecting it completely.  It wasn't until my early 20s that I started understanding God a bit more.  When I left for my Discipleship Training School, (also a good story for another time), I still had not been baptized, but was still unsure that I was ready.  It seemed like a big step and I always took the decision and weighed it very heavily.  I decided while I was gone that I was ready, ready to take the plunge.  I was ready to say, publicly, that I was ready to follow God, that I believed in Jesus and that I had no desire to return to my former secular self.  Theology aside, I'm glad I waited.  I was so excited to be baptized.

The church I was part of was a Presbyterian Community.  Baptisms in that community were generally done via the sprinkle method.  Nothing against this method but I wanted to be submersed.  I don't really believe that there is a spiritual significance in the difference ways of baptism but I just wanted to be submersed as a symbol to myself that I was going all in.

My pastors, had no problem with this request, spiritually.  The problem lied in the physical, the church didn't own a tub or tank to do my baptism in.  Not to be deterred, we lived by a river.  The problem was that that river happened to be the Potomac.  The Potomac river once was considered so polluted that one of our presidents christened it a "national disgrace."  However, after some research and asking around we believed that we found a spot that would be OK and decided to go ahead.  The night before my baptism my pastor had dreams of flesh-eating viruses.

One of the things I remember most about my baptism was it was fun.  I laughed a lot because things didn't exactly go as normal baptisms go.  We laughed, weren't very sober, and really enjoyed how comical and abnormal my baptism was.  It was unconventional!  I loved it!  I remember looking back thinking that it was a great expression of who I am as a person.  It celebrated me and what God had done in my life, my journey and what He was going to do.  We had to walk so far out to be able to even get water to our knees!  The river bed was slimy and sure enough, when I came out of the water, I was covered in dirt.  Not exactly perfect symbolism of new-ness of life, being cleansed, dying to sin.

It's been a few years since I was baptized.  Some might say the whole symbolism of immersion is taken away when you come out covered in dirt.  However, I think it takes it father.  Although, through our baptism we are partaking in Jesus' death and resurrection, the fact of the matter is this: we're painfully human.  Life is messy.  We forget, we are proud, and we choose to sin regularly, daily and even hourly,  Sometimes, like me, we need to shower... even after our baptism.                

A Eulogy...of sorts

Before I get into this post or my “eulogy” I would like to make two disclaimers.  First, to all my Holy Grounds community, this post might sound depressing or dramatic.  I understand that things might not be completely “gone” or “dead” that things instead may have shifted or whatever other forms we might want to call it.  I understand that the church should stop meeting if they feel like that is what God is saying and doing.  I also know that my church is still very much alive and there.  I simply want to honor what was and what it meant to me.  Second, this is directed to those who might go to a more traditional church.  I am in no way discrediting traditional churches they have their place and I’m not saying because my experience was so good in this setting and I struggled so much in a traditional setting that one form of church is “right” or “wrong.” 

It was around midnight after I returned home from traveling that I received the email.  It caught me completely by surprise, yet when I think about it, it wasn’t wholly unexpected.  Like a beloved grandparent who had been terminal for a long time, finally surrendering the fight, such was Holy Grounds.  They would no longer meet.  I read the email and immediately burst into tears. 

Holy Grounds.  It was so unexpected in almost everyway, the group itself, the way things unfolded and how I got involved.  At that time there was very little that could entice me into church.  Its very name denoted a place I would usually stay far away from.  My parents were missionaries so I grew up in Church.  As an adult, I found less answers and salvation in church.  I generally found four songs, two prayers, and a sermon.  I never felt as alone as when, in desperation, I turned to church.  I usually would have a panic attack and leave before the first prayer.  I stopped going. 

What enticed me into Holy Grounds was I needed a pastoral reference.  It’s hard to get a pastoral reference without a pastor and still be honest.  So, I went to a friend from Scotland.  She was my only friend who was a Christian outside of my family. I asked her to give me a “spiritual” reference.  She had never been to the area where I was now living, and to this day I don’t know how she found it, but agreed to give me the reference if I at least gave church one last try.  She sent me the websites of three different churches, one of which was Holy Grounds.  I agreed to try one of the churches.  As I looked at the Holy Grounds website I told myself “It’s just one Sunday.  You can do it- make it through one service.  You can do it.”  I remember pulling into the parking lot that had no more then ten cars.  I was instantly terrified.  Not only was it church but it was the “worst” kind, a really small church!  There would be no slipping in and out unnoticed.  I almost left.

I never expected what I encountered.  There was no singing, no preaching, and just one prayer.  There was a discussion, I could do discussion.  I’m very opinionated and had no problem thinking through churchy things and giving my opinion.  More then what the “services” included there was community, really community.  That night I called my dad and said, “I don’t know for sure, but I think I found it.  A church I like.” 

For the first time in my life, I was excited to go to church.  I was even excited to do church things.  Granted, our church things weren’t like most church’s events.  We would go eat, go dancing, watch scary movies on Halloween, go to concerts, movies and musicals.  I like to say we were and are more nerdy then most churches.  We were a community that loved to ask hard questions and ask what it means to be the Church.  We would ask frequently,” how do we do church better?”  How can we do more to care for one another and be responsible in the community outside of ourselves?  There were no pastors, worship leaders, deacons or elders.  Or were there?  In a way, we were those things without the need for those titles.  We moved in the gifting that came natural to us.  We affirmed each other’s gifts as we saw them.  It was dynamic, energetic, and genuine.  Spirituality became something alive to grapple with then some goal you wished to attain. 

Then God called me to move on from DC.  Holy Grounds was amazing, they continued to support and be my community when I moved overseas.  When I came home I never felt like I was truly home until I went to Holy Grounds.  I was baptized at Holy Grounds.  They commissioned me for ministry.  They were my sending and my home church.  I have been to many churches in various countries.  I’ve never experienced church like I did at Holy Grounds.  Like really good coffee, once you have the real deal, you never want diner coffee.  Every church since has felt like instant coffee.  Now the real cup of coffee is gone.  I now don’t have a home church.  It is a huge loss for me.  It was a place where I found God.  He moved amongst us during this season.  Holy Grounds taught me what church can be and how community is possible. 

But here is the beautiful thing; there is room now for God to do something completely new, to reform Holy Grounds in new ways, for new dreams to come forth, and new forms of communities.  Will Holy Grounds ever meet again?  It’s possible that it won’t.  It’s possible that there will be such new vision carried in each person that it will be multiplied in new and dynamic ways.  At least, that is my dream and hope. 

I also want to say thank you to everyone involved in Holy Grounds.  You ministered to me when I needed it.  You called forth amazing gifts and dreams within me.  You affirmed me and pointed me toward God.  I received so much from what was.  In so many ways I am who I am and do what I do because I had such an amazing group of people behind me.  I was able to take risks and really go for it because you invested, and believed in me.  Thank you for being the church together.  I’m excited to see what form my church will take next!