The Choice

*warning this post is very very long and I ramble on but it's a very honest look at my shortcomings*

It is a great day in the land of Smiles.  I arrived yesterday and am having a day to just reflect.  I've been reflecting on Thailand and what this place held for me in the past, on the US and this past trip home, on Turkey and the things that I learned there.  Mostly, I'm reflecting on my journey with God.  I thought about where I was and what I believed when I left for my DTS.  How, for all intents and purposes, I was still a baby in my faith, very much swayed by the people around me.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I've graduated from this stage.  I'm still very much swayed by my community and feel it very acutely when I don’t have a strong community around me.  Maybe one day, I too, will grow up in this area.  I still remember talking to the Lord and saying, “God, if you don’t show up on DTS, I'm done trying to find you.  I’m walking away from any form of faith and I am never coming back.”  While thinking about that this morning, I think it was really an immature prayer to pray but I think God honored it.  While He hasn't honored all the stupid things I've prayed, He, surprisingly, honored a lot of them! 

I was thinking this morning, about all those things that God has taught me since that prayer.  Mostly, I was thinking about how quickly I forget most of them.  I had one of the most emotional trips home this past month.  It almost felt like going back to that process before DTS.   It was as if I had forgotten absolutely EVERYTHING from the last four years.   I had forgotten his faithfulness, his patience and compassion toward me.  More than those, I forgot how kind and loving He is. 

I commonly feel like I have to defend what I do here when I go home.  Not because people don't believe in me, but they are concerned that I'm not being cared for and they can't care for me when I’m so far away.  Let’s be honest, it’s one of the hardest things to give people into God’s hands and trust Him to care for those we love the most.  We all have a God complex to some degree, where we think we know best what is best for our children, parents, best friends, family members, churches and neighbors. 

Every day at home felt like a battle to some degree or another.  I always find my expression of faith to be the hardest in the US.  I find just having a quiet time one of the biggest challenges. I often forgo it in the name of spending as much time with those around me as possible. But the thing about forgoing that time with God is that it becomes difficult to hear him.  Usually, if I can keep on top of my running, He usually can break in there.  Unfortunately, this trip, the running went out the window. 

This trip was so interesting in so many levels.  I have found sharing my faith has always been really hard for me.  I realize the irony of this considering my current profession.  I think a lot of it stems from before I was saved.  I knew all the right answers, the general tenets of the Gospel, but when people shared it with me it made me cringe.  I felt like they had no idea where I was coming from and they were throwing this at me and expecting something to stick.  It really made me angry.  I think I really struggle to share because I always think of that time in my life.  I never want to proverbially throw the Gospel at someone.  I also don't want to be so shy from sharing that people who are hungry and dying don't get a chance to hear about the one thing that makes the difference. 

I came home to go to my former roommate’s wedding.  She had this dinner scheduled for all of her bride’s maids.  We went early to grab a drink and just chitter chatter.  She recently became Jewish, because her fiancé is Jewish.  We started talking about my faith.  She started asking me about who Jesus really is and why does He make such a difference.  This is something I've never gotten to share with her before.  It was amazing.   As I was sharing, I realized, here I am, in a bar, a little tipsy (opps) sharing about Jesus, the thing that has made the biggest difference in my life.  It was incredible.  I got to do that with two of my friends.   I also realized that it isn't through my sharing that people see who Jesus is.  As I was talking, I was thinking, does this even make sense?  If they get anything through this it HAS to be because Jesus speaks to them because this doesn't make any sense to me. 

I also got the opportunity to go into work for a few days before the wedding.  My friends own an IT firm and they had a hiring crunch, and seeing that I used to be in HR and used to contract to them as a Recruiter back before I joined YWAM, they asked if I could come in and help them fill out the hires for a contract.  My first day there, I remembered what I loved about being in the office.  I know exactly who I am, what I'm capable of, and quite frankly I know that I am good at what I do.  I rose up to that person I used to be around the office, the rock star.  My second day I started to think about that.  How crazy it was to go back, to a job, where I have no idea what I’m doing, if I’ll be good at what I’m trying to accomplish, where I have no guaranty of success.  

  

I came to the realization of why so many of our field work force don't come back when they go home to work for a short while.  It is so hard to turn your back on that kind of comfort. That assurance of success, success people understand. Not that I'm something special, but I suddenly understood where I didn’t before, how incredibly difficult it is.  I really had to step back and think, what did God say, what did He promise.  I knew that if I decided to leave YWAM and move back home that God would be with me and would honor me because of who He is but I just realized how hard it is to turn your back on a life where success is somewhat insured.  Where there isn’t the fight that plagues you every day in some way.  To just be comfortable.  Even if comfort was at the cost of an extraordinary relationship with God. Even if comfort isn't what you ultimately want but at least it looks good.  

That following week I went to be with my family.  My brother and Sister-in-law are getting ready to go overseas with a different organization that requires them to have all of their finances before they leave.  I watched their process and it highlighted their situations and my own.  I suddenly got so weary of feeling like I was fighting every month to get just the amount I needed to pay my bills and eat, let alone those times that I need flights and new equipment like a computer.  I had a choice at this point.  I could look at God and have that conversation with Him or I could wallow.  I hate to say it, I wallowed and wallowed big!  If you’re going to complain about your situation go big or go home!  I honestly, wish I would have gone home…but I didn’t

I couldn't see past my own nose to see that God has taken care of not only of my every need, but of everything I've wanted.  He has shown me more of the world, has given me toys, has provided for my every need, every plane ticket, every trip.  For heaven’s sake, last year, He gave me time and an opportunity to just spend time on a huge boat in the Bahamas.  I would have never even conceived how I could possibly do that based on what was in my bank account.  On this side of the debate I have seen God in a way that I can’t explain and have been able to live in ways that don't always make sense to me or the people that support me.  I can sit on this side and complain about how I don't have this or that, on how I sometimes struggle to see where money is going to come in for certain things I need, but the fact is it’s been over four years, not all of them in a place as cheap as Thailand, and I have had every need and practically every want met.  God forgive my short sightedness! 

This support thing hasn't happened in maybe the most traditional means.  I don't have a large church behind me.  The small church that sent me out decided to shut its doors and while I feel their absence terribly.  The fact is, it isn't the responsibility of the church to take care of me.  It is God’s.  He is the one that called me into this journey and He is the one that will be responsible to care for me.  While I would love to have a church who is behind me, not just financially but emotionally, someone who is fighting with me, my proverbial cheerleaders, God has always cared for me.  He has brought people around me that I NEVER expected to give and always brought comfort when I needed it.  It’s so clear on this side of the fence but back in the US I couldn't find my way to that truth if my life depended on it. 

As soon as I got on the plane to come back, I felt such overwhelming peace.  Suddenly, these struggles and my response to them became quite clear.  I had chosen to forget God in that place.  I had chosen to forget to practice my rest and peace in the face of the giants that were before me.  I had forgotten who God was and who he was calling me to be.  Thinking about it now, my response is what do I do with this?  How do I try to have a different response next time? How do I practice rest and peace next time? 

I think this just highlights more of my broken humanity.  I have absolutely no goodness apart from God.  I have absolutely no faithfulness and even less courage.  Everything that I've been and will be able to do has to come from God because if it’s tainted with me, Joanna, I will fail.  On my own, I cannot point back to the Father, I can only point to me.  If I forget to abide in the vine, I am ugly as sin.

 As I've thought through this, I've realized that while comfort and success sounds good, sounds like something I should strive for, is it really what I want?  Yes, sometimes I get weary of the struggle, to get the finances, to feel significant, to live every day, the thing is, I live.  It’s not an easy, blow with the wind kind of existence that many think it is.  That I make decisions as the winds blow and that one day I just wake up and decide to go to a different country.  Living like this is hard.  There is choice every day to press in, to engage, to fight, to learn, to get better and to love.  Many days I fail miserably to do any one of those things but this is where God teaches me and shows me how to live better.   And that is the place I choose to stay, right now it’s Thailand.